Our Best Tips For Mastering The Art Of Small Talk
Small talk can creep up on you when you least expect it: with a stranger in line at the grocery store, sitting with a coworker in the break room, or when meeting your sibling's new SO. These little chats pepper our day-to-day existence, bringing up such clichéd topics as the local weather or recent news from the world of sports. But many people struggle to keep up a smooth flow of small talk, and may even go out of their way to avoid it.
According to a survey conducted by Preply, the pendulum of small talk is swinging away from genuine interest and friendliness toward a rote nicety. While 23% of Boomers report using small talk to get to know people, only 7% of Gen Z say the same. Rather, a telling 44% of Gen Z resort to small talk just to avoid awkwardness. Worse still, 89% of Gen Z respondents confess to using their phones to escape small talk whenever they can.
Alas, it's probably impossible to dodge small talk altogether. Love it or hate it, these shallow conversations can be a necessary social lubricant, smoothing the way for professional networking, interactions with the public, and getting to know new friends or family members. So how can you build conversational muscle and make the small talk experience a little less painful? Happily, there are some concrete strategies to dispel awkward silences and improve your small-talking skills.
Ask broad questions
Asking questions is a great way to ease the flow of small talk, especially with someone you don't know well. Often, people will feel more engaged when you express interest in their thoughts, feelings, and lives. As Scientific American points out, humans naturally like to talk about themselves. Of course, there's a fine line between being inquisitive and being intrusive. That's why it's usually best to stick to open-ended questions in casual conversation. This simply means phrasing your questions in such a way that the other person can choose how to answer, rather than being railroaded into a few limited responses.
For example, instead of asking, "Are you interested in X hobby?" you could ask, "What do you like to do in your spare time?" This widens the field of possible answers and makes the topic more inclusive, no matter who you're talking to. Plus, open-ended questions give your conversation partner the chance to introduce a subject they know a lot about. This can help them feel more comfortable chatting with you and avoid awkward silences. If they broach an unfamiliar topic, don't worry — that just means more opportunities for you to keep the conversation moving with follow-up questions.
Best of all, by using open-ended inquiries to let the other person steer the conversation, you can avoid potential pitfalls — namely, any topics they may find personal or triggering. Following their lead, you can sidestep accidental nosiness and relax into subjects that they're happy to discuss.
Listen to hear, not to answer
Worried that you won't be able to keep the chatter moving along naturally, even if you begin with an open question? When it comes to building a conversational rhythm and connecting — even temporarily — with the other participant, active listening is key. Don't get caught in the trap of planning your next words and ignoring what other people are actually saying now, in the moment.
For more fulfilling and easy-going small talk, your response should segue naturally from the information being shared. This means listening attentively and processing what you're being told before trying to concoct an answer. By paying genuine attention and letting the current topic guide your next question or anecdote, you can help your conversation partner feel seen, heard, and valued, smoothing the small talk path for both of you.
As an added bonus, developing your listening skills can reflect well on your leadership abilities. WordsRated reports that 64% of HR professionals cite active listening as the most crucial leadership skill, so leveraging good listening during small talk can offer a valuable opportunity to hone your conversational give and take for other areas of your life.
Stop checking your devices
Screen addiction is a real problem in today's tech-driven world. When we're not glued to our phones, we're using our tablets, watching TV, or even checking the notifications on our smartwatches. However, this can take a terrible toll on your social landscape. If you've ever found your attention wandering in a sports bar, you can see how even the media screens in a restaurant or waiting room can demand our attention and make it difficult to hold a lasting conversation. So if you want to master the art of small talk, you'll need to figuratively step away from the devices all around you.
Putting down your devices can do incredible things for your relationships — whether romantic, platonic, or professional. Avoiding devices keeps you present in the interaction, which will help you listen with attention and answer authentically. The net result is better communication. Steering away from constant, screen-driven distractions can also enhance satisfaction in your relationships by helping to protect each party from feeling ignored or lonely.
So, what should you do instead? While it may feel uncomfortable at first, try striking a balance of eye contact with your conversation partner. As Forbes reports, too much staring can seem aggressive, and too little can seem aloof, but hitting a midpoint of direct eye contact 30-60% of the time can help you comfortably reap benefits like deeper connection and trust.
Avoid controversial topics
We've all heard the unwritten rule about conversation topics to avoid at parties or on first dates. Usually, this advice includes subjects like religion, politics, and old relationships. Cliché as it may seem, there's a nugget of valuable truth here — when engaging in small talk, no matter the context, divisive topics should probably be avoided. Say you're waiting around at the DMV, and the person beside you strikes up a conversation. You don't know them, their background, or their beliefs. Do you really want to risk spending the next 30 minutes or more trapped in an argument with someone you just met? Unless you're a real-life internet troll, this probably doesn't sound appealing.
Instead, stick to topics that will help you get to know that potential new friend or partner with real positivity and depth. Some generally safe conversation starters might include favorite movies and musicians, their life or career goals, or even loftier questions like who their heroes are. If you're listening attentively and asking open-ended follow-up questions, these topics should keep your small talk rolling along without stumbling into any dangerous or off-limits areas.
Make a smooth exit
One of the most intimidating parts of small talk can be its seeming endlessness. Sometimes, there's a light at the end of the tunnel — you know an interruption is coming if you're counting down the minutes to an appointment or waiting for your SO to return from the bathroom. But when you're in a more open-ended environment — say, talking to new acquaintances at a party — it can be difficult and stress-inducing to extract yourself from the conversation gracefully.
Making a smooth exit from small talk can help it feel less like a prison and more like a productive, controllable experience. To this end, you can do things like prepare a few all-purpose exit lines. A phrase like, "I know you're busy, so don't let me keep you," can apply from the office to a run-in at the supermarket. Similarly, an expression of gratitude or enjoyment can mark a natural end to the encounter. Remarks like, "It was great seeing you," or, "Thanks for taking the time to catch up with me," signal that you're ready to leave without seeming rude or unfriendly. Just be sure to wait for an appropriate lull in the conversation to make your seamless escape.
Another effective if slightly sneaky technique is to pull someone else into the conversation before bowing out. Introducing a third party will divert your conversation partner's attention, making it easier to drop a few excuses and fade into the background, small talk successfully completed.